The Top Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School
I had this sent to me as an email forward and I couldn't resist the opportunity to let others laugh as well.

  • A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says "Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers."
  • All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling trophies.
  • Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders and coordinating ascots.
  • Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye can see," you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking going on.
  • As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor say "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong."
  • You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve masturbating and throwing feces at your attacker.
  • You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills in your g-string.
  • Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips in a seemingly unrelated manner.
  • At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just buy a friggin' gun."
  • Your school's symbol is a bullseye target
  • First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
  • Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.
  • The "gees" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.
  • The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
  • The instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.
  • Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.
  • Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"
  • Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.
  • Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can of whoop-arse" on someone?