- A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points
to a pile of concrete blocks and says "Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers."
- All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling
- Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders
and coordinating ascots.
- Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye can
see," you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking going
- As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor say "Class,
name 3 things Alan did wrong."
- You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve masturbating
and throwing feces at your attacker.
- You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men stuff dollar bills
in your g-string.
- Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips
in a seemingly unrelated manner.
- At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or
you could just buy a friggin' gun."
- Your school's symbol is a bullseye target
- First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into
the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
- Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled
- The "gees" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing
stars" are just slices of old cheese.
- The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
- The instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop
quizzes" in dark alleys.
- Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.
- Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not
exist in this dojo!"
- Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the
neighbors when he moved in.
- Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can
of whoop-arse" on someone?